Boundaries are based on your own values and needs and are defined for each individual. There are no set rules when setting boundaries because they are associated to what you can and cannot give another person at any given time. However, the following can support you in defining what these are for you:

• Know and understand your boundaries before entering a situation – take time to define what you are able to give to another
• Be confident with your decision, you do not need to apologise for setting a boundary
• Be clear with your boundary setting
• Be respectful, minimise the chance of conflict by remaining calm and respectful of the other person
• Be prepared to compromise, if required. Relationships can be based on give and take
• however a disclaimer here is if negotiation means you are at risk of harm – there is no negotiation. But, when it is appropriate be prepared to listen to the other persons point of view and work to find a solution.

Below are some tips on what to say:

“I am not comfortable with….”
“This is not acceptable for me”
“I am unable to do that”
“That does not suit me”
“I do not like that”
“No thank you”

Boundaries for Children

It is never too early to start showing and setting boundaries with children. It allows them to understand the world around them and how to act and treat others appropriately.

When they get it wrong, be mindful of your words and actions in demonstrating consequences and why they are needed. For instance, if they run away from you in the shopping centre, responding in anger may frighten them and confuse them. Be calm and provide clear language around why the behaviour is wrong and the potential risk to their safety.

Here are a few tips on setting boundaries with your kids:

• Give simple age-appropriate language and instruction
• Be consistent with the boundaries, if they are too flexible or change all the time your child may become confused or ignore the boundary, which will ultimately lead to conflict
• Avoid using the terms good or bad, this can lead to guilt and shame in children as they are learning the way of the world.
• Have a list of family values that include boundaries, respect, honesty and trust
• Invite them to be involved where appropriate

Lastly, It is a great idea to remind children from an early age that they have the right to say no when someone is crossing the line with their boundaries. If people hug them or touch them and they don’t like it, they can ask them to stop. Be sure to give them space to understand and ask questions about their own boundaries.

There are some great books out there on boundaries for children.

Check out these titles by Holly-ann Martin:

• Hayden-Reece learns a valuable lesson that Private means ‘Just for you’.
• Parents Guide to Child Protection Education – How to teach children Body Safety and Abuse Prevention.

Boundaries and Adolescents

Learning how to set and maintain emotional boundaries is an important part of growing up. It is also a key to developing relationships that are supportive, caring, and respectful.

“ An emotional boundary is a limit we establish to protect ourselves from being hurt or manipulated by others. “

It is an expression of self-worth that helps people understand who we are, what we think, and how we feel. Boundaries create needed emotional space between us and others. 

Healthy emotional boundaries for adolescents may include:

• Moving slowly into friendships to establish trust
• Stating personal values despite what others believe
• Respecting yourself, even though someone may not like you
• Clearly communicating needs and wants, even though you may be rejected
• Noticing when your personal boundaries feel invaded
• Understanding that others cannot anticipate your needs

So, what can we do as parents to help our teens set healthy boundaries:

• Talk with your teen about emotional boundaries. – Acknowledge how difficult it is to speak up for yourself and what you need.
• Teach teens to be responsible for their emotional reactions. –Setting emotional boundaries is not about blaming others for hurting them. It is about remaining calm and explaining what you need from others.
• Identify unacceptable actions and behaviours. – Start to notice when people around you are behaving in ways that are unacceptable. 

Here is an exercise that parents and teens can do together to help identify unacceptable behaviour:

1) Think of a person who makes you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you experience them as uncaring, or you feel put down or manipulated by them.

2) List the things you’d like this person to stop doing or saying. When you have your lists, sit down together and brainstorm how an emotional boundary could be communicated for each item on the list.

• Encourage action. – Encourage your teens to take small steps to set emotional boundaries with their friends.

There are many barriers to boundary-setting—fear of rejection, guilt, and fear of confrontation but healthy boundaries allow teens to feel respected, valued, and empowered to build positive relationships in their lives.

Boundaries and Adults

Healthy boundaries can help people define their individuality and indicate what they will and will not hold themselves responsible for. This can have many benefits for adults, including helping people make decisions based on what is best them, not just the people around them.

The types of boundaries we set depends on the setting. One person’s boundaries with a romantic partner will be very different from that same person’s boundaries with a boss or co-worker.

While boundaries are often psychological or emotional, boundaries can also be physical. For example, declining physical contact from a co-worker is setting an important boundary which is just as crucial as setting an emotional boundary, such as, asking a co-worker not to make unreasonable demands on your time.

In the context of romantic relationships, healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional relationship.

One good way to respect the boundaries of your partner and yourself is to have honest conversations. Topics could include a partner asking for a night off per week as opposed to seeing each other daily or a new mother may ask her partner to take on more responsibility with their baby such as taking them for visits to the park, so that she can have more time to herself.

“ Rather than fostering resentment, instead try to set and communicate your boundaries. “

Boundaries are also important in parent-child relationships. For example, parents might ask their child to knock before entering their bedroom, in order to maintain privacy and children might ask their parents to never read their diary or journal so that they can maintain some privacy of their own.

Setting healthy boundaries is a crucial part of life and an important aspect of any self-care practice. Someone who’s not used to setting boundaries might feel guilty or selfish when they first start out, but setting boundaries is necessary for mental health and well-being.

Appropriate boundaries can look very different depending on the setting, and it’s important to set them in all aspects of one’s life.

At Brave Heart Wellbeing, our experienced and dedicated psychologists are here to help you and your family! If you’re seeking additional support, contact us today to book an appointment.