New Year New You?

Happy New Year! But does it have to be with the pressure of resolutions and a promise of a new you?

As we step into 2022, we are again bombarded with messages about the new year and how to achieve your goals with headlines about:

Eating healthier

Losing weight

Exercising more

Paying off debt

Finding a new relationship

Travelling more

More time with friends

Starting a new business

Living your best life!

I, for one am NOT a fan of resolutions. At the start of the year, as always, social media and articles are ramping up to sell these messages, ultimately feeding billion dollar businesses such as the fitness and diet industries. Stories are typically full of “helpful” strategies to achieve goals and achieve resolutions. I mean on the surface some of the ideas and suggestions really can be helpful, but they are also full of language that can lead to doubt, shame and guilt, such as:

Don’t fail this time

Don’t you want more from your life?

How to stick to your goals this year

Life will be better when…. (fill in the blank)

How to get through the first week of your New Years Resolutions

The history of resolutions has a religious origin and were considered an offering to the gods that better behaviour would equal better luck and success. It makes sense right, if we continue to improve our behaviour and working at being the best version of ourselves, surely we can live a happy and fulfilled life. However, along with this, comes a strong history of resolutions not working and being a cause for distress.

More recently resolutions are typically based on a person’s desire for self-improvement and self-development. However, people generally set goals that are unrealistic and unachievable and working towards these goals becomes overwhelming and people eventually “give up”.

So why do we do it?

Why do you have to be someone different?

Why does the new year equal “new you”?

Why is it that at the change of the year the message in the media is you should change?

It raises questions about who you are and the ultimate question of “am I good enough”?

One of the greatest challenges is that these messages are the expectations of other people and their ideas of achievement may not necessarily meet reality, for you. For example, before and after pictures depict people who have reached their goals within their timeframes, but remember they have different bodies, different stressors, different mental and physical needs. This message can lead to increasing comparison, judgement, anxiety and depression regarding who you are and what you can achieve.

We cannot base our goals and outcomes on the basis of what has worked for someone else, because they are different. We need to find what works for us and what we want to achieve, because then you have the power and choice over how you meet these goals.

Our desire to improve or develop who we are and what we do can be an ongoing process and one that is customised to who we are and who we are working towards.

Don’t get me wrong, the start of a new year can be seen as a fresh start, a time to reflect on the past year and how you see the coming year playing out. Setting goals and intentions can be an incredible way to find purpose and identify your accomplishments, but you don’t have to change based on someone else’s ideal! You don’t have to be a certain size, weight, look, style to be you.

So, given all of this, how do we approach the new year and what we want to achieve, I have listed some possible options below for you to consider…

Set intentions, not resolutions:

You might ask, what is the difference?! Intentions are less goal specific and more of an objective in which you set yourself for change, where as resolutions more typically are associated to having a specific goal! For example:

Resolutions

I want to lose 10kg in a 12 week program

I want to go to the gym 5 times a week

I will be fitter

I want to socialise more

Intentions

I intend to move my body more

I intend to eat mindfully

I intend to love unconditionally (myself and others)

I intend to set boundaries

Hopefully you can see the second option has less demanding language that allows you to begin the process of listening to your body, mind and spirit and working day by day to improve your wellbeing.

Don’t get me wrong, it is great to set goals and a necessary process to work through challenges. But consider the language and expectations you give to this.

The challenge can be that if we set the goal too high or lofty we can feel overwhelmed and guilty when we don’t reach our targets. If we break a big goal down to smaller steps and work through these day by day, week by week it will feel more manageable.

Consider your individual circumstances

We all have situations and circumstances that impact our ability to meet certain tasks on a daily basis, whether you have school or work commitments, children, meeting up with friends, health considerations or time pressure.

By acknowledging these situations and how they could impact your intentions and goals, you are putting yourself in a great position to prepare for when you cannot make the gym or go for that walk or meet friends. It also allows you to acknowledge these challenges without the guilt because you are aware of your individual circumstances. Also, you can adjust your goals on account of these circumstances. Such considerations as walking with a friend can allow you to socialise more AND move your body more. Likewise, you may be too tired at the end of your workday to exercise, so consider moving your body at the start of the day.

Understand what your strengths are

Consider how your strengths can contribute to achieving your goals and intentions. Most of the clients I see have a natural response to focus on the challenges or perceived negative situations when they feel they cannot meet their expectations. I encourage them to find the balance between the challenges and their strengths.

If you think only of the reason you can’t do something, you will inevitably not do what you want. However, if you balance it with the reasons why you can, you may find yourself with a different outcome.

Strength based exploration can include asking yourself questions such as:

What are my most recent achievements? (and that can be big or small, such as I got out of bed)

What did I do to make this achievement happen?

Strengths can include: being adventurous, kind, loyal, loving, organised, open-minded, structured, fun, creative…

Consider what you value

Values are the ideas and concepts that are “important” to us and are critical in understanding why we do what we do. What you value today may change in priority tomorrow so it is important to constantly check in on what they are. You could write down your top 10 values and from there the 3 priority values for the day or week.

These could include: connection, fun, family, relationships, knowledge, security, freedom…

These can help identify and support your goals and intentions and provide you with the focus and balance to work towards achieving them. If connection is your priority value for the week you can consider your circumstances and intentions and adjust your goals to ensure you are living consistently within this value.

Celebrate your milestones

This is critical in ensuring you honour and reflect on what you have achieved thus far! It is often the result of feeling overwhelmed and guilty that we only focus on what we haven’t done, as opposed to looking back at how far we have come.

Celebrate the milestones, no matter how small. This may include just sitting with the knowledge that you are doing your best and working day by day to get better,

or it may be treating yourself to a bath, new book, catch up with friends as a way to recognise your achievements. In doing this you will feel more positive about your efforts and be inspired to continue moving forward.

Approach your goals with self-compassion

As you do move forward, remember to do so with kindness to self! If a friend is feeling down and low about meeting their goals you would no doubt encourage them to keep going and to remember they are doing their best… So I encourage you to do the same to yourself! Treat yourself like your best friend, speak with kindness and compassion, acknowledge the challenges – as well as the strengths and celebrations!

When you have a day that didn’t go according to plan or you feel distress – give yourself permission to feel your feelings and listen to what you need at that time, then, give it unconditionally. A day to rest and restore may be exactly what your body needs to ensure the next day will be better.

Remember, BALANCE

It is important you consider balance, this includes time spent on our own, with friends, with family, likewise time to think about challenges and worries as well as celebrations and gratitude. To think of the what you haven’t done is a natural response, but also consider what you have done. Give yourself credit and reflect on how far you have come.

Rather than just focusing on what you want to achieve this year, consider what you have achieved in the years past and the circumstances that have got you to where you are at.

Balancing our perspective will allow us to acknowledge all there is about us, what are our circumstances, our strengths and values, our intentions and our self-talk.

Consider who will support you

At times we may need support to help us through, reaching out to those around you can help and may be an additional bonus to reaching your intentions and goals. However, consider who these people will be, they may be friends, family, professional therapist or your GP.

Whoever it is make sure they are giving you what you need. There will be times you will feel doubt and frustration and you do not need others in your life reminding you of this. It is ok to set boundaries and be open about what you need and want from others and when they have crossed the line of judgement.

However you approach this new year, consideration of the above mentioned factors may support you in meeting your intentions without guilt and shame. You are your own person and have your own individual needs, wants, goals, circumstances, strengths, values and support – you also have a choice about how you perceive the messages and language in social media around this time! Do so with kindness to self and compassion and know that you are already amazing!

It may be a New Year, but a “new” you it doesn’t have to be! A new year doesn’t have to mean one full of unrealistic resolutions that feel overwhelming, they can simply be a fresh start with a chance to reflect and set intentions for what you would like to achieve moving forward!

In all of this…. something to keep in mind is what Jacqueline Novogratz (CEO of Acumen) said:

“time for change is now”, she didn’t say wait until the first day of the first month of the New Year!