I don’t have the answers…. but do I need them?

This week has seen significant chaos and change rock the people of Perth for the first time in 2021. Our long run of no COVID cases and some ongoing normality has come to a grinding halt! We can definitely get it back, because if there is one thing I have seen is the community in Perth are supportive, resilient and willing to take any action to continue living our best life! 

This change has meant for many of us plans have had to be changed along the way. As a business owner I have had to consider what that means for upcoming group programs, what that means for my one to one counselling and the clients who need me, and what that means for my team.

ADJUSTING TO CHANGE 

As a mum it has meant I have had to adjust to having the kids home for another week and help them through the challenges that have come up for them. One child is starting Year 11 and ATAR and at a basic level was looking forward to being back at school and seeing mates. My other child was supposed to be starting Year 7, her first year of high school. I had to watch on Sunday night, following the announcement of lockdown, an emotional roller coaster of firstly working up to the fact of “starting high school tomorrow” to “now I can’t start”. There was excitement, nervousness, then distress and that was just me, let alone what my child was experiencing… 

"an emotional roller coaster... "  

My role as a mum and as a psychologist, I will admit sometimes becomes blurred, as I try and manage the distress and challenges my own children have. This may include friendships, managing stress, managing disappointment and understanding their most effective way to cope. But I also admit I don’t have the answers! Sometimes I don’t know how to comfort and “make it all ok”. I am not sure how to support them when their heart is broken.   

As a mum, I want to be angry with them, I want to be sad with them and at times I want to fix it!   

But, my “therapist mind” wants to understand all sides of the story, help them learn what they can and can’t control, provide “psychoeducation” on how to effectively cope and “be an active listener”.  

"I strive to do the best I can... " 

But I have to acknowledge that I don’t have the answers…. Not the ones they need anyway! I try to remind myself that the answers for me, may not be what they want to hear. My strategies and ways to cope, may not work for them. My emotions and feelings about the situation are a different perspective and it may not be appropriate for me to share it at the time. They simply may not want my advice…. And that is ok! It is their right to understand and work out their challenges and it is my role to guide them. 

I can say with absolute conviction that I love my kids… yes sometimes they absolutely frustrate me and I struggle to get them to unpack the dishwasher or clean the fish tank, but they are great! With every year that passes, I am truly impressed by the young people they are becoming and I am proud of my role in this. But I don’t have the answers… With each year that passes I realise my role is changing, I am learning to take a step back, to be an active listener and to validate their experiences.

One thing I am really focusing on this year is CURIOSITY – exploring and giving guidance on this across all areas of my life, as a psychologist with my clients, as a manager with my team and as a mum with my kids. So rather than me trying to “have the answers” I am encouraging those around me to seek their own understanding and therefore the answers they need. I am asking how, why and what:

• Why does this impact you?

• How can you work through this?

• Why do you seek change?

• Why does this relationship affect you?

• What support do you need?

• What matters most at this time?

• How can I support you? 

Such questions give us time to stop and reflect on the challenges we are faced with and being curious gives us insight into what we need and hopefully the answers we are seeking.  Being curious and open to the answers will open up a world of understanding and acceptance. 

I am a Psychologist and I don’t have all the answers, and you may not either! And that is ok! We are all doing the best we can with the knowledge we have…. So be curious

• Ask your kids why?

• Ask a friend what?

• Ask your parents how?

• Ask yourself… 

At Brave Heart Wellbeing we are here to help! If you or a loved one is in need of support, contact us today to discuss how we can assist.  

Michelle Daw, Principal Psychologist, Brave Heart Wellbeing.
My next blog will be Understanding Your Teenager.