Entering the adolescent zone...
Adolescence…. You know it is there, you have heard all about it, but the changes can occur when you least expect it.
[cue the theme of the twilight zone] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Just like “The Twilight Zone” you …”find yourself in this realm of unlimited possibility, be careful what you say or do. The right decisions may help you find your way back out…sometimes with greater happiness and wealth.”
Adolescence is a stage of development between childhood and adulthood and it is hectic. The cognitive changes that are occurring in the brain can lead to challenges with emotional regulation, impulse control, sleep regulation, and social connections. You may witness your teenager go from happy to sad in the snap of a finger…
All indicating they may be entering the adolescent zone!
Furthermore, the physical changes can be seen as they get taller, their voice tone could deepen, they could be more self-conscious of being in public, what they wear is a factor, what you do could be embarrassing! Your teenager may be aware of mood swings, different ideas and thoughts, frustrations they cannot explain and boundaries they want to test.
Like all of us, teenagers are experiencing multiple factors that can contribute to their health and wellbeing, factors such as:
FAMILY
Here I am talking about both immediate and intergenerational relationships, whether they are living close by or far away because this can impact on other members of the family. There is a flow on effect for the children if a parent is or isn’t supported, how their parent is coping and how their parent manages stress and conflict.
ACTIVITIES
If your teenager is participating in activities either in the home or outside can influence their wellbeing. Whether it is team or individual sport, music, dance, theatre, drawing, watching Netflix, this could be their down time or it could add more pressure if they are, for example, competing for a position in the team or sitting music exams.
WORK
A teenager may be keen to start building some independence and earning some money, which is amazing, however bear in mind it can add additional pressure. What is the work culture like, are they supported and is there flexibility? Like during exams.
SCHOOL
If your teenager says school is hard, what is hard about school? Is it their teachers, their subjects, managing the workload, the culture of the school, their academic performance, peers, pressure about what they will do in the future (from parents, teachers, friends and themselves)? It can be far more complex for them than we initially think.
SLEEP
Our circadian rhythm is associated to our sleep patterns and for adolescents their rhythm is different to adults. Melatonin (our sleepy hormone) kicks in a lot later for adolescents than adults and therefore they want to stay up later and sleep later. They still need between 8-10 hours of sleep per night so going to bed later, but still getting up for school could result in “sleep debt”, which influences their mood and ability to function fully.
NUTRITION
As outlined in Mission Australia Youth Survey, body image is one of the top 3 concerns for teenagers. What and how often they eat can impact on mood, sleep, school engagement and general wellbeing.
FRIENDSHIPS
Social connection is at the forefront of adolescence as they are moving from children to adults, a sense of belonging allows them to feel safe and secure. Their friendships allow them to understand who they are in relation to their peers. If they experience exclusion, bullying, friendship changes this can lead to worry and doubt over who they are and where they will fit in. They may doubt their own self-worth or likeability if changes occur which can impact on their mood and wellbeing.
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
As an adolescent, they will start asking questions about relationships, identity, sexuality and connection. No matter how this looks for them it can bring joy and/or grief. Understanding healthy relationships and how to manage the factors associated with being partnered can be critical to a successful relationships and positive mental health.
"They are a response to our experiences"
MOOD
Feeling sad, worried, angry, frustrated, or happy are emotions we all experience and it is important to recognise them for what they are! They are a response to our experiences. For teenagers they may not be able to regulate their emotions, or they may respond uncharacteristically due to how they are feeling. They may try and “stop” the feelings or avoid them if they feel uncomfortable, however understanding that other contributing factors, discussed above, can influence our mood can help explain and identify what they are feeling and help your teenager work towards acceptance and coping.
CHANGE CAN CAUSE DISTRESS
Taking into consideration their developing brain and the factors listed above teenagers do not always have a full understanding of how to manage and cope. Furthermore, they are surrounded by their peers who are going through the exact same biological changes and have similar factors contributing to their wellbeing. In association to these factors, worries for your teenager may include, body image, bullying, getting around their school, changing schools, making and keeping friends, exclusion, keeping up with their workload. Some of the signs you may notice in your teen may include:
Changes in mood;
Increased isolation from family;
Spending more time on their own;
Difficulty managing school workload;
Difficulty sleeping;
Changes to eating patterns;
Increased conflict at home;
Self-harming behaviour, such as cutting, scratching, alcohol or drug use.
So while all this is going on… parents are seeing these unexplainable changes in our previously happy, kind and caring young person and we can be inclined to think ‘how can I fix this’? ‘What can I do’?
We feel lost and helpless and add to that, along with everything else, their ability to communicate went out the window with their emotional regulation! When we ask “what’s wrong”, they may have difficulty explaining it, they don’t know what to say….
Cue the various responses… eye rolls, grunts, maybe slamming doors, maybe yelling ‘I don’t know’!!!
We think they are shutting us out…. but maybe they simply don’t know how to explain it, either to you or to themselves.
So what can you do?
SUPPORT
Firstly, don’t try to fix it! Your solutions may not suit them and as the saying goes… “you can’t put an old head on young shoulders”. They have to learn, understand and find their own solutions, but they could certainly use your support in doing this. Your role as a parent can be helping them navigate and learn the lessons of life. Ask questions like:
“How can I support you?”
“Are you ok?”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“What do you need right now”
Be prepared to listen and accept their answer. If they say “I don’t want to talk about it”, be prepared to give them time and know that, without judgement, you are there to listen when they are ready.
This can be easier said than done, as they’re generally ready to talk when you’re not. My advice… work out your priorities and negotiate with them to meet both of your needs. This is part of life and working through the challenges of understanding your needs and those of others. You could say:
“I just need to finish [x, y, or z] then you will have my full attention, is that ok?”
"your teenager may already have their answer, but not the confidence to trust in their own instincts!
PROBLEM SOLVING
Sometimes the answer is not clear for them or for you. So guide them in problem solving, look at the pros and cons with them and help them to understand their challenges, all the contributing factors, and the solutions. Importantly this may include encouraging them to seek support from others, such as teachers, your doctor or a professional counsellor or psychologist. Most importantly showing them they are not alone in working through their challenges and finding the solutions. You could suggest:
“Should we brain storm the problem and potential solutions?”
“Should we write out the pros and cons?”
“What are you going to do?”
“What do you think would help you?”
There is a high likelihood your teenager may already have their answer, but not the confidence to trust in their own instincts!
Remember you are all doing the best you can do with the knowledge you have. It may take some time to become aware of their needs and develop strategies, but with kindness, support and love they will feel safe to ride this stage and become increasingly resilient to manage challenges as they get older.
STRATEGIES
To manage this time, I have listed below some strategies that may be helpful for everyone to consider:
Using a journal to write down worries / feelings / challenges
Using a journal to highlight what you are grateful for, what you are proud of, what your intentions are
Take a long bath and listen to some calming music
Techniques to regulate your breathing…
Breathe in for 1, 2, 3, 4
Hold for 1, 2, 3, 4
Breathe out for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Listen to music
Go for a walk or run
Go to your favourite quiet spot to practice some grounding techniques, what do you:
SEE
FEEL
SMELL
HEAR
FEEL GRATEFUL FOR…
Baking
Drawing
Create your own…
It is ok if you do not have the answers and to experience frustration and be overwhelmed by the situation when your child is in distress, but you are not alone. Surround yourself with support, be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to put your hands up and say to your teenager,
“I don’t know what the answer is”
“How can I support you?”
“What do you need?”
With two teenage children myself, I am walking this path alongside you! I am keenly aware of what I say and what I do. Sometimes you won’t know how to fix their challenges and you can read about it in my blog “I don’t have all the answers… but do I need them”. At Brave Heart Wellbeing we are here to help and support your teenager, you and your family! Call us to discuss your needs on (08) 6118 6108.